March 2025

This month has been cold and yucky and rainy and snowy!  I was grateful for Janessa's birthday weekend to get warm and calm weather.  Roland and I went to the new Tree of Life exhibit at Thanksgiving Point the day before Janessa's b-day and that was AMAZING!!  Didn't like having Janessa's b-day on a Sunday--wish we would have gone to Arches instead of staying around here.  I sluffed church and went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple to watch the sunrise on Janessa's b-day--it was so calm and peaceful there.  In the afternoon, Alysha and Elijah came and helped us decorate Janessa's grave for her b-day.  By the way this month Elijah asked Roland for permission to marry Alysha so it looks like we are getting a new son-in-law this year in June.

We went to the Taylorsville temple for our engagement anniversary.  I was hoping to report that Alysha is officially engaged, but, it still has not happened yet.  They have already got the temple reserved for their wedding even though they are not engaged yet!  June 20, 2025--Payson Temple.  I wish they had chosen a temple that wasn't so far away--it is a good 1 1/2 hours away from us and they are getting married at 9 am so we have to be there at 8:15 a.m.!!  They don't know where they want to have their reception at--they want to do it outside which is risky because it could rain.  I'm trying to convince them to have it down in Provo instead of here so that most of the people who come to their reception will be their friends and not our neighbors and ward members, I would be okay if none of our ward showed up! And I really don't want Karen introducing her man and her perfect life to all the ward!!!  I can't deal with that at all!!  It's going to be hard enough to even have her and her man at the temple and at the reception!  Maybe they will get sick and won't come, maybe they will plan a trip around that time--I can hope!  I hate that because of her choices I have to deal with this unwanted stress with every one of my kids weddings, but, the way we are going I may only have to worry about Kristen's wedding and that is it.

Rae Anne's angel b-day didn't go so great.  I found out I'm being judged and looked at like I am a crazy person for remembering my miscarried babies and this makes people upset and angry at me.  I really don't know how to feel or deal with this information.  It makes me sad that I am surrounded by people who don't understand or care.  I didn't want to explain myself to Pam or others and I felt so vulnerable that I didn't decorate the table or even mention Rae Anne at all on her b-day.  I decorated my room instead and lit candles and did things myself instead.  The sad part is no one even asked why--no one noticed, no one cared that I hadn't decorated--it's like they were happy they weren't being forced to remember a dead baby.  Is it too much to ask for to have people remember with me--to have people help carry the load of this grief?????  I guess so.  I tried to watch the sunrise but it was too cloudy so the sunrise sucked!  I really didn't want to be at church at all.  I hid the cookie and ate it alone too.  I don't even feel like I can remember Hope next month either.  This just makes me so sad!  

March has ended very crappy!  I tried to take Kristen to see the tree of life exhibit again, but, it was very different this time because they were doing construction so there was noise and mexican music playing.  I was able to go to the temple on Friday and that was nice to feel a little peace then.  I was sad going to Hobby Lobby to look for pinwheels, because they officially do not sell my mid size pinwheels anymore so now I'm going to have to protect them with my life and only put them out for the wave of light now.  I was really sad that I only got 20 min. to talk with Pam and that they left early while we were in church on purpose because they knew when we got out.  They didn't touch the cereal or milk I got for them so they wouldn't have to go out and buy food on Sunday.  I'm not providing that ever again.  If I could move away from this house and this stupid apartment so no one could visit me again, I would but no one can afford to move anywhere!   We took money out of the retirement account and finally paid off the $14,000 dollar credit card debt that we had acquired since my stupid Mom moved out and left us with the cost of the apartment.  I fear though that we'll end up carrying another debt just because we can't make ends meet anymore.  Without that apartment, I would have an extra $700 a month and our house would almost be paid off now.  Thanks alot stupid Mom!!!  

 

February 2025

 

There has been some really hard days this month.  Definitely facing my Dad's 85th birthday was one of those really hard days.  It just made me so mad that my Mom wasn't even thinking about my Dad but was off with her replacement man instead.  That just really pisses me off!  I felt very alone decorating his grave.  I've been in freak out mode most of the month because of idiot 1 and 2 president and all the crap he has been doing every single day!  I was prompted to get my Dad's journals out and read them and that helped alot.  My Dad wrote about alot of things that were going on in the news back in the 70's and 80's and it helped me feel like he was write here with me and we were talking about the news again.  I also found a bunch of journal entrys that he wrote specifically to me, Pam, and Valerie so that was nice too.  I especially loved that he wrote about my baptism because I have no memories of that day.  

We got our first really bad snowstorm of the season this month and the first time we had to actually pull out the shovels and shovel the snow!  YUCK!!!  I did find out through my Dad's journal entries that I have 2 siblings in Heaven and I have angel dates for them--June 1978 and Dec. 7, 1979.  It makes me angry and sad that my Mom basically just threw them away too, never remembering them at all--I HATE the way she chooses to grieve!!!  So I am remembering them with figurines in my remembrance garden.

We had 2 parties for Karena for her b-day.  One with all the family and one with just the 5 of us.  For Valentines Day Roland took the day off and we did sealings in the Temple in the morning then we got taco salads for lunch and watched a signed sealed and delivered movie.  That evening we took Spencer to the airport.  We picked him up from the airport a couple of days later--that was fun being at the airport again!

I made 15 paper lanterns for Janessa's angel b-day.  It is really overwhelming to see all the lanterns and realize how much time has passed since she died.  I hate that her angel b-day is coming up.

We got spring like weather in the 50's to finish up the month of February--it has been so nice to be outside and not have a jacket or coat on!  I decided to go ahead and make my b-day mandala for Janessa's 15th b-day this week rather than wait for her b-day because chances are it will be windy and cold.  I picked the perfect day!  I'm actually really glad I did it now, because the spot I picked has tulips and daffodils starting to come up and in a week I wouldn't have been able to make it.  

Last week I ended up teaching in primary again--my 3rd Sunday in a row because Amelia had a missionary thing going on.  I was a little miffed because she contacted me on Thursday and only gave me 2 days to prepare a lesson.  Heavenly Father blessed me for already reading the come follow me stuff so He was able to guide me to the perfect lesson and I was able to put it together in a day!  Unfortunately, just like last week we only had 1 primary kid.  It's a little harder doing a lesson for 1, but, Faye is awesome and Heavenly Father prepares lessons just for her!  It's been fun to have Roland as my team teacher these past 2 weeks.  I'm grateful to get a break from teaching for the next 2 weeks!  

So grateful for the beautiful spring flowers that opened up this week--I LOVE Spring it brings me such HOPE!

I was able to go to the temple and do initiatories on Friday.  It was fun to discover in the back of the temple they have created this little gazebo with benches.  I'm definitely going to be spending my time there next Sunday on Janessa's b-day!  Hopefully it will be warm and not too windy!!

For our ending FHE treat we did a competition between Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines cake mixes.  It was fun putting it all together!  Duncan Hines wins hands down!

This week we had to relive construction nightmares all week with construction vehicles in front of our house, and cement trucks, and holes being dug in our grass--not fun!!  But it is for Google Fiber so hopefully it will be worth it!

Roland and I finally got to walk at the park for the first time in a long time this past Monday!

The Toyota turned 200,000 miles old last Sunday Feb. 16, 2025!!  When we almost got to 200 we called the kids and had them come find us on 4000 west where we had Karena drive us around and around in circles in a church parking lot until it hit the big 200000!!!  That was a blast!  I'm sure my Dad was laughing his head off as he watched us!